I haven’t been writing…
I’ve blamed it on time, or the lack thereof, and that is partly true. However, I also think it is because of pressure.
Whenever I do something, I want to do it well or not do it at all. I guess last year I read one too many books, articles, and blog posts about blogging, and all of a sudden – there were too many rules. It was too complicated.
Well, I’m over it. I miss reflective writing and sharing.
Our lives have been pretty tiring and challenging lately. Peter started a new job in our town, and it’s been going well, but it’s still a transition and a change. All the while, I was going through the first trimester, which I guess some have called the “worst trimester.” I certainly hope that is true. I’m 14 weeks and 3 days right now, so I am really hoping that the second trimester is the light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Even though I’ve been pretty sick (with morning sickness that lasts all day), I know it could have been much worse, so I feel guilty for all the complaining that I have done. Most days, my job has been all that I could (barely) handle, and I have spent my evenings, nights, and weekends being anything but productive. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything, and I basically went into a late winter hibernation, especially through February. My energy is finally coming back, and I felt really good on Friday and most of the day on Saturday until I accidentally got hungry before supper. (Maybe it’s a boy since I get super hungry every three or four hours?!?)
Even my faith has suffered through the last couple of months. Most days have slipped by in survival mode, and I have forgotten or avoided the efforts and delights of fellowship, prayer, and reading Scripture.
Just this morning I was reading encouragement from a sweet friend, and I felt my soul breathe out, “God, I’m sorry, but I just have nothing else to give.”
And I felt like He told me, “It’s enough.”
I don’t want to be lazy or make excuses, but I am thankful that this is a temporary season, and God’s love for me and approval of me have not changed because of my lacking productivity. I’m thankful He is constant.
It’s funny to me now, but a week before we found out we are expecting, I took some time to journal out a deeply honest prayer about my unfulfilled desire to be a mom. We hadn’t been trying for long yet, but I had already begun to worry that it would never happen for us. Then I realized that most of my major life decisions for the last 15 years have revolved around my desire to be a wife and mother. It affected my education and career choices, shaped my dreams of life here with Peter, and even became the motivating vision for buying this house. All I had ever pictured for my adult life was to serve the Lord in my marriage and by raising children to know Him. If that wasn’t what my life and faith would look like, then what? I felt aimless.
I wonder if God laughs at us sometimes when He can see the big picture and we can’t. Little did I know, even as I was writing out these questions, He was forming life inside of me. It’s amazing.
I guess my heart hasn’t changed very much in the last three years, because He brought me to similar questions and prayers right before I met Peter. A few months before we met, I remember having a very eye-opening conversation after Bible study with my friend Katie in which I realized and tried to explain that nothing in my life felt like it would be fulfilling if I never got married. I reached a point where I was willing to give it all away – my job, my education, my goals, etc. – to share my life with someone. Maybe God had to bring me to that place of willing surrender because He knew that I was really going to give up those things to follow Him to a man in South Dakota.
So now this feels very similar. God works in my heart first before He changes my circumstances. Perhaps I needed to realize that this is not about my plans, my timing, or my comparison with others. Instead, it’s about serving Him by raising and teaching a child (or children) to know, follow, and love Him.
I still don’t feel “ready,” but I’m doing it one day at a time. Even though it looks different than my life and faith before, I’m already serving Him through motherhood.
And I’m thankful that’s enough for now.